Over the last couple years I've simultaneously tried to become more sentimental while I get colder to the idea of falling for people so quickly. When I say "falling for" I wish I could say it was just infatuation, but when it really comes right down to it I realize that I am a victim of my own cheap sentimentality: falling for a pretty face, falling for a friendship that just won't catch, falling for big ideas that never yield anything. In the end it's all just falling for some attempt at those normal, healthy connections people have with each other.
As this school year ends I realize that this uncomfortable sentimentality is at worst a happy tragedy. Looking back at the connections I've reestablished I finally recognize the people that have been worth keeping in my life, character flaws and all. Some of the best friends I've ever had come from some incredibly shitty situations from my adolescent years. Looking back over it I realize why we've kept up over the years and forgiven each other for the ugly minor scrapes and bruises that come along with close friendships.
Dealing with the present I realize that I turned my life upside down the second I moved out to West L.A. and left most of my good contacts miles away. I owe a lot to the few new connections I've made with some incredibly caliber people out here, and also one large debt I owe to my crazed friend in Hollywood that has always been there to listen to my complaints. It's strange to recognize that if I left this place tomorrow I'd leave it with at least two more people in my life that I believe would be there for me when the shit really hits the fan.
The trade off for the good times always seems to be a sacrifice of some kind. I traded a comfortable relationship for 6 months of insecurity, second guessing and sidelong glances at the people I've been aching to know. I've traded beer for books, small but steady connections for a role as a complete outsider and good times with close friends for good times with a loose collection of strangers. Worst of all the loses I've ever taken is when I have to sacrifice faith in another person. I've felt that twice this year; making the net average of people I've given up on this year much lower than most of my life, but there's still no lingering hurt like unfulfilled expectations.
