An empty minute

No updates=no drive. No audience+no motivation to share my thoughts=no need to blog. Here's a notion to ending all that:

The last month or so has been dedicated to moving, fixing some weary aspects of my life and the occasional belligerent drunken moment among friends. In between these large awkward themes I've felt like an idiot, negotiated the gap between infatuation and reality, made an ass of myself and apologized more often than I'd like to. All of this came to a head on a ride home tonight from the beach.

I've been tumbling this neurotic mess of a crush through my head, trying to figure out if its growth with no promises or a deluded attempt at romance. This is the dichotomy with no notions in between. When I'm willing to suggest that its badly played romance I start thinking about it from another perspective and wonder how people on the outside perceive it. I play this concept out further and wonder if I come off as pathetic or naive. (See also: drunken proclamations See also: idealistic rhetoric See also: close relationships with others) I let my paranoia take the wheel and wonder about the many things people in my life see that they aren't willing to comment on; I assume the worst. Cutting to the center of the thing, I hate recognizing outside judgment of my flaws and try to laugh it off, undercut it or drink it away. In retrospect, drinking it away may not have been the way to go...

Emerges the point-I'm really tired of trying to assume other people's perspectives. I try my best to love the people I keep in my life, do my best not to play dirty against my enemies and struggle to engage the world with the limitations of my personality on my back. I play the game like anyone else. While I'm busy trying to please everyone else, I let the phantom judgments I conjure up eat me alive until I alienate people around me or commit some small act of property damage. Having lived my life this way so far, I'm allowing myself the option to stick to my convictions without the unwanted burden of whispered opinions. If I can't live a life without complications, at least I'll keep my perspective.